Timmy's Journey

Lord, Take Control

“My Heart & my Soul, I give you control! Consume me from the inside out Lord. Let Justice & Praise, become my embrace, to Love You from the inside out!”

As I sit by my desk listening to Hillsong Chapel’s Album, the song ‘From the Inside Out’ was playing and when the chorus came, it suddenly struck me so hard! I started reflecting on the lyrics and then reflected on my Journey with Jesus for the past year, but the deeper i reflected on my journey, it made me realised that i’ve really not been a good Catholic, nor was i worthy to be called His Disciple, His Son.

This year has been a tough one and my journey with Jesus hasn’t exactly been smooth either. Struggles were aplenty! NS isn’t exactly the most accommodating place in allowing me to lead a Christ-like life. My personal struggles affected me so badly to the point where i really don’t know where God is leading me in my life, or how i can continue to have faith, and to trust in Him. Obstacle after obstacle, i somehow just wasn’t strong enough to overcome them. No doubt, Jesus did send many people into my life to help me and be with me on this journey but eventually these people also seem to fade out of my life. My prayer life had fallen drastically and the whole journey just felt so dry, so difficult to walk! In fact, many times i feel so hypocritical due to the fact that i’m still serving actively in the youth ministry and that people look up to me, this so-called “leader” who supposedly has experience and whatnot. Throughout the year, i kept trying… be it in the “Doing” or by “Being”, nothing works! What really is God’s will for me? And the direction He wants me to walk in… over time i gave up trying and just left things as they are. 

Nonetheless, in the midst of all these struggles, dryness and obstacles in my Journey, there’s always this subtle “presence” behind me to support me. Well, i don’t exactly know how to describe it but it’s like as if Jesus is holding me by a very thin thread, allowing me to experience all these struggles but not to the point where i’ll just fall and not be able to pick myself up. And all through this year, i’ve forgotten about this very fact and kept using my own strength and methods of searching for God’s Will and overcoming these struggles, until this very night where God just speaks through this amazing song. Praise God! Things may not get any better immediately after tonight but at least now i am reminded that i must live a life of Faith and Trust in Jesus and to allow his full control of my Life! :)

Dearest Jesus, I pray that you would continue to be my guide in all times and may you give me the grace to  always be open to you! And to have faith and trust in your plans for me, to walk the paths you have set for me no matter how unclear it may be or where it may lead. May i turly give my Heart and my Soul to you and to allow you full control of my Life. Jesus, take the wheel! Amen! 

“He gives strength to the weary, he strengthens the powerless. Youths grow tired and weary, the young stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will regain their strength, they will sprout wings like eagles, though they run they will not grow weary, they they walk they will never tire.” 

Issaiah 40:29-31.